It's All My Fault
by Cherry PinUp 42
Summary: Someone does something out of love, then regrets it. Thanks for the quick beta from Marie-Claude Danis, Heather Exum, and Cobalt. You guys are great. Triggered by a discussion on Nummy Treats. Originally posted at my site on 11/27/01. Spike/Xander/Anya.


**It's All My Fault **

It's...it's all my fault. I can't cry over this. I can't because I should have known.

* * *

><p>Xander and I have always had an open way of talking. I know that some people are put off by me, and I'm okay with that. Xander's different. He understands me. And I understand him, only too well.<p>

We've talked about being with other people. I point it out to him when I see an attractive woman. Hell, sometimes I rent movies especially because of an actress I know we can both appreciate. Not that I have any interest in actually _being _with her, but I'm okay with him fantasizing. I know I do.

It was during a 'guy' movie about mountain climbing that I noticed his attention wasn't on the actress, but one of the actors. He tried to laugh it off, but I can be very insistent. We talked for hours before I convinced him it was okay. Actually, more than okay. It excited me. Still does actually.

Our relationship deepened and I was happy. At least until **him**. Whenever **he **was around, Xander was tense. It took me a while to notice, but once I did we talked about it. Well, really I talked. For, like, three days. He finally caved when I started crying. That always works.

He told me that he'd been having erotic dreams. He looked shamed when I asked if that was the reason for being woken so vigorously a few times. I took him in my arms and told him how much I loved him. That's the first time I noticed the slight hesitation. It wasn't anything to worry about. I told myself it was just my imagination.

We went to bed that night with the toys. It was the first time he let me penetrate him with more than a finger. It was also the best sex we ever had. He was on his hands and knees, biting into his fist. I know I'm not who he was thinking of, but I was naive enough to believe I could make it better. There were times in the next few weeks when I had to tell myself to overlook certain things that seemed almost one-sided in our relationship.

We decided I would be the one to approach **him** because I was less likely to be laughed off. There was also less of a chance for embarrassment if **he's **not interested. Xander stayed home and got our bedroom ready, just in case, but I just knew I wouldn't be returning alone.

When I opened our front door I was taken back, a bit. There were candles everywhere and a wonderful, sensuous aroma floated through the apartment. The soft tinkling of a piano drifted up from the stereo speakers. I felt a surge of excitement race through me at his romanticism. I invited **him **in and a lazy grin spread across his face.

The click of the front door brought Xander out of the bedroom. I heard a low growl coming from behind me at the sight of him. He looked all soft, sweet and sexy as hell. The only thing he had on were those soft flannel pajama bottoms that hang just right over the tops of his feet, and leave nothing to the imagination in the way they cling. His head was lowered so he was looking up at us shyly, through the curls laying on his forehead.

**He** moved around me and with a quick look over the shoulder, that I had no trouble interpreting, **he** touched my Xander. On his chin. With one finger. It was all very dramatic feeling. Xander's head was lifted up until their eyes met. I don't know what **he **was reading there. Whatever it was they were soon kissing. I use that term loosely because it looked like they melded together. I didn't even recognize it for the warning that it was.

They didn't notice me at first. Once they'd broken for a moment, Xander looked to me with guilty eyes. I shook my head and smiled, letting him know that it was all right. The guilt didn't go away, but he kissed me next. God that boy can kiss. It's enough to make my knees weak and it explains why **he** was panting and leaning against the bedroom door frame. I pulled back and gestured for us to move to the bedroom; they both agreed quickly.

What followed was a confusion of tangled limbs and lips. They each took a turn giving me the most wonderful orgasms before turning to each other. I had an up close view of their next kiss, and was completely taken aback.

The care and passion that Xander put in to that kiss was something I was never able to bring out in him. He was trembling so hard, and I'm surprised that he wasn't hyperventilating. Not that I think he could with the tongue shoved down his throat like that. They were kissing and rubbing hands all over like they'd never experienced anything like it before.

I sat back in shock. I never knew it could be like that. They were so beautiful together that I felt like I was intruding on a private moment. Not that I would leave. Not even if you paid me. Well, maybe. Guess it depends on how much.

Anyway. I sat back and watched my boyfriend be made love to. By someone he was so obviously in love with. Who was not me. I know I'm the jealous type. It's something I'm proud of. The pain of watching from the outside was ripping through me, but I couldn't look away and I couldn't let them know.

I watched as **he** tenderly laid Xander down on his back. I watched as **he **used that sinful mouth to taste my lovers body. And I watched as he slowly entered where only I have gone before. They moved so perfectly. It amazed me to remember that they've never done this together before.

Afterwards, they lay there panting, playfully nipping and licking at each other's lips. It turned my stomach to watch. When Xander turned his beautiful eyes on me, I smiled and kissed them both on the temple.

This was supposed to be a one-time thing, but I know it's not over. It never will be. I'm content to let things go as they are, because I love him so much. I want him to be happy.

* * *

><p>I slipped out of bed this morning, trying not to wake them. We'd fallen asleep with Xander in the middle, arms wrapped around each of us, and woke up with him curled up to the new addition in our bed and his back to me. They didn't notice me leaving.<p>

I have to work early this morning and Xander has the day off. I'm not going to think about it.

He came in to relieve himself while I showered, giving me a goofy, sleepy kiss through the shower curtain and mumbling something about sleep. I told him to go back to bed. There was only a slight crack in my voice; I don't think he noticed.

When I got dressed in the bedroom he was laying in my spot, all the way to the edge of the bed, on top of the blankets. **He** was wrapped so tightly in the blankets, you could only see the top of his head. **He **was also hugging the opposite side of the bed.

I quietly got myself some breakfast, and had the door open to leave before remembering the inventory list I'd been checking was on the table next to the couch. I made the mistake of looking in to the bedroom on my way past.

He was sitting up in the middle of the bed, looking at the tuft of hair sticking out from the blankets. He had a very sad expression on his face that I just wanted to kiss away. Apparently I'm not the only one, because the blanket was lifted and I could barely make out the voice.

"What?"

"I'm scared."

"You turning in to a bloody poof?"

"..."

Sigh. "C'mon in and warm me up?"

"O..okay."

"Mmm. That's better."

"..."

"I love you, Spike."

"Stupid git." Sigh. "I love you, too. C'mere."

* * *

><p>I have the image of them entwined in the most intense kiss I've ever seen playing through my head. I know I've missed a few sales, and losing money is not something I care to do, but my mind is in such turmoil that I can't concentrate. There is this intense, sucking pain in my chest. I can feel the wind of change blowing and I know it won't be long before I have to let him go.<p>

We all went in to this saying that it was a one-time thing, and I'm sure we believed it at the time. I don't know what I'll do without him, but he has the right to the kind of happiness I obviously can't give him.

I pushed and encouraged him to explore this part of himself, foolishly thinking that it was something we could share. I can't bring myself to be noble and step away just yet. Even when I do, it won't be an act of selflessness. It will be the when my heart freezes over from being left outside his heat for too long.

It's all my fault. I can't cry over this.

_Originally posted at slashcity. org/ nakedflame/ fic_


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